Indecisive Loser-Hero Hybrid (earthdotprime) wrote,
Indecisive Loser-Hero Hybrid

For Dinner: Nothing.

So, as some of you already know, I'm terrified of cooking. Veggies and such I can deal with, because there's not much chance of me screwing them up. But proteins? Proteins terrify me. Every time I attempt to cook anything that used to have a pulse, I invariably fuck it up.

Tonite was no exception.

I'm sick of paying $10/day to buy lunch when I'm at the office, and eating pasta for the rest of my life isn't particularly exciting, so, ok, I thought. Chicken. Chicken is easy. I will try cooking a very simple chicken recipe.

Lemon and garlic and rosemary and olive oil - not hard, right? Right.

Then I decided to broil the damn thing. Because clearly, I am some sort of idiot. I didn't actually bother to look which side of the oven the broiler was on (I just assumed it was the bottom) and stuck the chicken in. For 5 minutes. 10. 15. 20. It looked done (clearly, I don't own a meat thermometer) but when I treied a piece (or 3) it had a weird, spongy, raw texture. (I've also probably given myself Salmonella. Again.) So I actually looked inside the oven, realized the broiler was on the top, and that I'd just been lightly warming my chicken for the last 20 minutes (I have almost definitely given myself Salmonella), and stuck it back in for another 15. Let's see how this goes.

Of course, in the middle of all of this, I decide to empty the dishwasher. While I'm placing a stack of shot glasses on the top shelf (please don't ask me why I thought they needed to live there), I bobbled, and dropped a stack of 4 glass shot glasses straight onto the counter, which bounced them onto the floor. So, my tiny galley kitchen is covered in glass, the oven is on, my vaccum cleaner is in the bedroom, and I'm barefoot. I've also just broken my favourite glass, the one with the cherry blossoms on it that I made with Krissums at SXSW 2011.

I carefully navigate out of the kitched, put on shoes, get the vacuum, plug it in, and start to clean up. Then I realize: the only shards I'm seeing are from that one glass. Where are the other three of them??

One I find upright, on the kitchen counter, unscathed. I don't understand.

Then next, I find after searching for 5 minutes and dejectedly just putting the rest of the dishes away - it somehow landed cleanly in one of the bowls on the bottommost shelf of my cubbard. The other of the pair of SXSW glasses, it is also, somehow, completely unscathed.

And the third? No idea. Did I mention that I had grocery bags strewn all over the kitchen floor while this happened? And my gym bag? So it's probably in one of those? Or that it may have bounced, and landed somewhere in the pile of junk that lives on the other side of the kitchen counter. I am 100% not excited about this search and rescue mission.

Oven timer is beeping. Let's see if I screwed this up. Again.

Well, now the chicken is definitely cooked in some places, and weirdly rubbery in others. Experiment: total failure! At this point, I almost want to get food poisoning, because if nothing else, my anxiety is at such a level that I feel completely nauseous. I'm also scared to set foot in my kitchen (to cook OR to eat Chipotle) ever, ever again.

So who wants to come to CO and be my personal chef? I pay in snark and hugs.
Tags: cooking, food, yan can't cook
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